Funk.......

I feel like I'm in a funk. Life is weird. I guess it all started when my super awesome brother, Clayton, showed me some music he is working on. It was beautiful. He is very talented and it made me think about how I used to write music. I used to do that with ease. Now I'm lucky if I can play for a few minutes let alone sit and arrange or compose. Then this weekend I went to see my sweet niece perform in the Nutcracker. I think I cried through 90 percent of the ballet. Hearing that music and seeing all these girls dance and perform.......thinking of how it used to be me on that stage........ya it was hard. Needless to say it's been a pretty emotional weekend.

I went on a walk today with Sam and Jane and we walked past an Elementary School. Seeing all the kids outside playing made me feel like I was just there. When did everything change? It's like one minute you are in school with your friends, having crushes on boys, dancing every day all day, eating bowls of marshmallow matte's, watching Arthur, and then WHAM! You are all grown up and have two kids beside you. Ha! When on earth did that happen? Life seemed so much easier when I thought that the world was centered around me. I honestly thought it was. I'm sure I was such a little snot at times! Haha! I've learned now that this is SO not the case. Life is not about me anymore. I'm not supposed to be dancing all day and composing constantly. Even though I miss it more then I could ever say, it's just not what I should be focused on anymore. I feel like I really had my time to shine and I'll be forever grateful for that, but now it is my time to make sure Sam and Jane have a life where they can shine :) 

I hope that they can have as magical as a childhood that I had. I hope I can give them all the self confidence that my mom gave me and that they will feel special at something, anything! I hope they have a passion for something like I had with ballet. I know you are probably sitting here thinking, "Why can't you just do both? Go dance and go be a mom! You can have it all!" The truth is that I don't want that now. It's different. It will never be the same and that's ok because I have so many amazing memories! Do I wish I could go back in time and be back in that place where dancing was effortless and magical? Yes! Heck yes!!!! But I know that it's in the past now and I need to be grateful for it and cherish it, but move forward and try to get good at something else. Something new........maybe something like being a mom! I have NO IDEA what I am doing and even though I get down and miss the "good old days" at times, I have never been happier or more blessed then I am now. Not being focused on myself is so wonderful and so refreshing. So even though I don't feel special or talented anymore I know that this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I'm supposed to be doing........staying home eating marshmallow matte's and watching Arthur with my sweet Sam and listening to Swan Lake and making Jane's cute little legs dance to the four swans...................hmmmmmm................I guess life really hasn't changed all that much ;)